Tonight my heart is heavy. Heavy with thoughts of the pain in this world. Heavy with the picture of a tiny swaddled bundle with a tag on it waiting for the morgue. Heavy with the knowing that parents can abandon their own child. Heavy with thoughts of the healthy, dimpled, and cooing 4-month-old little girl that should be.
And, honestly, I want to ask why.
God, why did You lead this precious little one to my doorstep and to my heart when You knew she would die? When You knew that I would care and hope and pray? God? How much heartbreak is enough?
And I don’t know.
What I do know is that when you taste death and pain. . . this world is no longer a comfortable place. We long for home.
And I have to remember that I am not here in this world to shield myself from pain and the reality of that pain. I am here to embrace it and those in the midst of it. I am here to love - to serve.
I have accepted that the answers to so many of my questions lie – so safely - only in the heart of our merciful God. And I am content to leave them there. Honestly, I fear for what I, with my limited understanding, would do with some of those answers. . .
Now we see dimly. Someday we'll know. Until then I will remember in the midst of all this that this world is not my home.
“This world is full of suffering, but it is also full of the overcoming of it.”