Tonight my heart is heavy. Heavy with thoughts of the pain in this world. Heavy with the picture of a tiny swaddled bundle with a tag on it waiting for the morgue. Heavy with the knowing that parents can abandon their own child. Heavy with thoughts of the healthy, dimpled, and cooing 4-month-old little girl that should be.
And, honestly, I want to ask why.
God, why did You lead this precious little one to my
doorstep and to my heart when You knew she would die? When You knew that I
would care and hope and pray? God? How much heartbreak is enough?
And I don’t know.
What I do know is that when you taste death and pain. . .
this world is no longer a comfortable place. We long for home.
And I have to remember that I am not here in this world to shield myself from pain and the reality of that pain. I am here to embrace it and those in the midst of it. I am here to love - to serve.
I have accepted that the answers to
so many of my questions lie – so safely - only in the heart of our merciful God.
And I am content to leave them there. Honestly, I fear for what I, with my limited understanding, would do with some of those
answers. . .
Now we see dimly. Someday we'll know. Until then I will remember in the midst of all this that this world is not my home.
–Helen Keller
Amen. Jesus knew pain too. He still knows it. I can't imagine what it must be like. But we are told that we, after looking back on our lives, wouldn't have anything different. Praise God! Praying for you guys over there, keep looking up. :-)
ReplyDeleteMaria
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the strongest and most caring women I know in this world. My life seems so easy compared to yours. Many times I too, do not understand the why, but trusting in God and what He is doing is all we can do. Continue your walk with Him. You are an amazing woman. Rodney
Oh Maria, I'm so sorry to hear of about Moo Suh Ghey. I would have loved to have known her. My heart aches. You're right--this world is not our home and it wasn't Moo Suh Ghey's home either. I thank God for the way He's been using you to shine His love to a dark world, both when your heart is full and when it is completely breaking. Continue to cling to God, my dear friend. I am praying for you! I wish I could give you the biggest hug in person---and I will, have no doubt, in May.
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