Can I just be honest here?
The only word I can truly use to describe my state of mind and body over these last few weeks would be weary. Weary of physical imperfections and challenges… weary of always having more than I can do, never quite accomplishing that to-do list… weary of my overwhelming imperfections as a mother… weary of whining and diapers, and never completely quenching all these needs… weary of the challenge of relationships... weary of what from this end feels like never-ending study… weary of interrupting “distractions” from what I deem (and rightly should be) my priorities… weary of people asking from me… weary of not having complete answers….
I have slid down from my “mountain-top experience” of gratitude and adoration into real life, my life. And I look and see that it’s quite a bit of a mess.
Yet, there’s beauty to be found in this mess. God is all through this.
Me being here is all about God. Jabez being in my life is all about God. All our surrounding circumstances have been placed by God. These “distractions” are some of God’s very favorites… and how they have blessed me.
It’s not always about thrills and feelings and overwhelming gratitude… Some days you are weary and used-up and you push each foot in front of the other and you plead for the grace for another act of service. And in this you live your life to the glory of God. Maybe even greater glory than when you breezed along with your heart aglow with the very palpable presence of God?
So often we pass by love ‘cause it sure does look like work. . . .
There is beauty here through the days when I feel weary and it’s not easy. Beauty in the moments that I, in pure survival mode, drop to my knees, or catch a few sentences from His Word, or find myself asking for grace and forgiveness - again. Beauty in this constant action that drives me to strive to be up long before daylight searching my heart and His Word. For it’s in my weakness that I feel my need of Him. My inadequacy drives me to Him. My emptiness leads me to be filled. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. That’s beautiful.
I will embrace this weariness because I thirst to be filled – all filled – with Him.