"If a commission by an earthly king is considered an honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?"
-David Livingstone

December 29, 2010

This Year


This was written for personal reflection, but a certain someone was at the right place, wrong time (or was that wrong place, right time:)) and strongly requests that I blog it.

I reflect back on this past year. There's been good, bad, better, and worse. I see growth and blessings. There is also no way to look past the pain and regrets. I think of times that if the was some way I could go back to I would do things differently. And yet I wouldn't trade this year for ten others.

I met people I'll never forget and had experiences I'll treasure in my heart for always. I fulfilled a dream. I learned to acknowledge beauty and to revel in it. I decided that independence is not all it's cracked up to be.
I walked (sometimes more like crawled) through the valley of the shadow... I knew hopelessness. I spiraled to the end of my rope, but then clung to it realizing I wasn't ready to let go. I found Jesus as my personal Savior. I made Him my friend. I begin to understand the meaning of amazing grace.
To my amazement I learned that there are people out there who can somehow love me with who I am. I've also begun to realize the value that God attaches to me. It's unfathomable, yet real all the same.
I've trembled and cowered at the thought of other's rejection. I've stood up bravely to look it in the eye. Often I've found myself to be a hypocrite. Just as often a hater of hypocrisy.
I've realized exactly how much I value honesty. And I desire to have every aspect of my life reflect truth in all its purity. I've questioned anything and nearly everything. And I've begun to accept that many of the answers to my questions lie only in the heart of God.
I realized that in and of myself I am nothing. Without Christ there is no purpose to my life. I've learned to appreciate people who challenge me and push me beyond my comfort zone. As well as the ones who love you enough to tell you what you don't want to hear.
I learned that wishing away something dosen't change it. I discovered a new passion and fulfilled a dream. I was shown that people are what matters. And to set my priorities straight. They're the ones that will still be there when your dreams have failed you. I learned that you'll never regret keeping your promises or making the most of the time that you have. Time waits for no one. It's merciless that way. I learned how important it is to not let even interests your passionate about or a career crowd our the rest of your life. "You may love EMS, but EMS will never love you."
I faced one of my fears. I touched death. I've seen things I'll never unsee. I faced the agony of consequence.
I learned tht happiness is totally unrelated to circumstances. Happiness is, more often than not, a choice.
The lessons are still coming fast and hard. God's teaching me to wait. And to wait quietly. And, no less, joyfully.
I've taken risks, I've made mistakes. I've chosen to love. And I'm determined there's no turning back.
But what I've really discovered this year is just how much I don't know...

I want to say thank-you to each of you who have been part of my journey this past year. Some of you, even by small things, affected my life in ways you'll never know.

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